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Behind The Firm List Blog
Frustration? Jealousy? Resentment?
First off, I want to state that I am not sure what I am gonna write here or even whether I should. But I guess
why I started this journal was to give you a glimpse of what goes on behind the scenes, and while I've done an
okay job at telling you the mundane procedural and task-related stuff I've done with The Firm List, perhaps I
haven't done myself justice and shown enough of the emotional side of running a site like this.
Today, I was doing a little bit of web surfing and visited a net.friend's weblog/photo journal. I hadn't emailed this
net.friend in a while and had only been finding time to keep a cursory eye on what's been going on with his own projects.
I'm debating whether it even makes any point/sense to link to his site(s) or refer to him by name, but I think I will
refrain, there's no good that will come of it.
He's had a lot of changes/things going on in his life in the last few months, personal and professionally and I am
quite happy for him, and, shall I say, a little envious.
Sometimes I think of him as a kindred spirit, as we both have started and run personal web projects that take a lot
out of us and have taken on a life of their own. This is the type of person I wish I spent more time with. This is
someone I'd spend a lot of time both grilling for their experiences as well as probably spending a lot of time &
energy conspiring with on possible joint projects, etc.
Why today, of all days, did reading/seeing what I did strike me the way it did, I don't know. Seeing pictures of his
new house, his new toys, etc. well, they made me... I think jealousy and resentment are wholly out of the ballpark and
inappropriate to how I was feeling. Envious perhaps works, but even that doesn't do it justice. I don't want what he
has, I guess it just hits upon insecurities and feelings of disappointment I feel with my own projects/life.
And I know that the rosey picture that has been created in my mind about what his life is like is totally fabricated by
my hyperactive imagination.
I wrote to someone yesterday (or the day before that) about how I don't do this site for the money. There would be
a fierce battle between a hundred million reasons for shutting the site down (time demands, costs, etc.) and the
money-driven urges to sell user data, hawk every product under the sun, etc. But at the same time as I say that,
with a true straight face mind you, is it really, completely true?
Perhaps a true restatement of my feelings is that I don't view The Firm List as some get-rich bonanza, where I am out
to make money with little time or effort. Capitilizing on the boom (and now the bust). No, I never really did that
in my career either.
But is that to say that I don't want to get out of the site what I feel I've put in?
I've thought constantly on this for nearly 6 years now, and I've managed to come to many conclusions, all of which
change and fluctuate with the tides. I do get a lot out of this site. Even if I didn't get one cent from it, it would
have value to me. But is that connection with the community I am in and the satisfaction of having built something
people find useful enough?
Probably not. It's probably just been feeding an underground cavern full of resentment all these years. Fueling my
feelings that others have it good while I work hard and suffer.
Not to say I live on the street corner and have nothing. Not to say I haven't done well for myself.
But merely to say that I don't feel in the great balance in the universe that I've gotten back as much as I've put out.
And that's ultimately a hard position to be in. One that doesn't help that inner balance that's so important.
So, anyways... Unlike the traditional entries in this journal, there's so summary or conclusion. This doesn't have
a beginning or an end. There's no desire reaction I am trying to invoke in you, the reader. There's nothing anyone
can do to change how I feel, only myself. And as I said, it fluctuates.
I have been dealing with a lot inside, and I will continue to wrangle with it. Just know that behind this network of sites
sits one guy who spends a lot of time thinking and tinkering with it. Perhaps that matters, perhaps it doesn't. But
you found the site, you're poking around the site, just thought you should know.
